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Saturday, 8 June 2013

The problem with seagulls in sport

Actual image of a seagull. 2013.

The recent dilemma faced by MCG officials got me thinking about effective seagull deterring 

Trained wedge tailed eagles are failing to prevent seagulls from landing on football grounds around Australia. (Actually the MCG) The sea-birds annoy the paying public whilst flying to their next port of call- horse racing tracks where they have been known to fly into jockeys dislodging the riders from their mounts. McDonalds patrons have a lot to answer for by throwing their cold French fries into car parks causing the coastal birds to venture from their natural habitats. I have formulated a few eradication ideas for consideration:

*Why not try an old fashioned shotgun? (No offence to our friendly wedge tailed raptor friends. Shooters need to pass a compulsory bird identification test before firing at any feathered body.)  You would only need to shoot a few hundred gulls and the rest would steer clear. Unless of course they start eating their pellet ridden siblings.

*Perhaps invite Clive Palmer to a seagull roast dinner. He looks as though he enjoys a few seagulls every now and then.

Clive before

Clive after

*Ask Eddie Maguire to dress up in a gorilla outfit and wave his arms around. Maybe public humiliation would kick start his brain freezes.

Eddie before

Eddie after

*Or, paint a fluorescent sign with an arrow stating "this way to the beach."

*We could offer a Tender contract to an American under 18 male who has social problems. They are bound to bring their military assault rifles. This method may be more effective than the previous shotgun theory.

Aaaargh, get these @#$$ off me

*Maybe electrify the newly erected wires that have been tethered across the northern and southern stands of the MCG skyline. The falling feathers and ashes at half time will entertain the crowd. Plain wires are never going to scare those rats of the sky. If gulls don't care about a wedge tailed eagle soaring above their heads they're not going to be bothered by a strained wire.
(I hope on Grand Final day officials remember to cut down the wires so the parachutists don't get tangled.)

There is no need to worry about the MCG wire trial. The strands versus birds has been approved by independent consultants according to:

(Who the heck is an independent seagull consultant? Is that really a career?
"Hi there,
My name is Barbara Maskell, Independent seagull consultant.")

Cute looking footballer on wrong team
Officials are concerned the avian pests are diminishing the aesthetic appeal for spectators. Im sorry, you can't diminish this guys appeal.
And I don't barrack for Collingwood

*I believe the most effective seagull good riddance technique is to employ 'bird boys' somewhat like the tennis counterparts and have them shoo the pests away. With tennis racquets.

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